The Dangerous Trap of Success Fueled by Pain

“You’ll never amount to anything!”

Those were my uncle’s exact words, spoken in front of 200 guests at my cousin’s wedding.

To give you some context, I was 20 years old and had just made the decision to drop out of UCSD to build my first business.

Coming from an Asian American family where education, status, and money are as essential as oxygen, this was a bold move. While my parents were incredibly supportive and didn’t subscribe to that belief system, the rest of my family did.

All of my cousins graced the halls of Yale, Harvard, Berkeley, or Carnegie Mellon. (One even got accepted into Stanford at 16!)

So for the next four years, my uncle’s words became my fuel.

Every obstacle, every setback, every failure—I pushed through with the mantra, “I’ll show you.”

And to some extent, I did. By 24, I was feeling on top of the world, having hit my first multi-six-figure year.

But if you’re expecting a triumphant moment where I get to stick it to my uncle, you’d be wrong.

That’s actually when I started to stumble.

What began as a powerful way to channel my pain into productivity eventually became a crutch.

As I chased my next goal, I subconsciously started seeking out chaos. And when it didn’t appear, I created it.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I began picking fights with friends and loved ones just to fuel my drive. Or I’d put myself into unnecessary debt to trigger that familiar fight-or-flight response.

Success fueled by pain can only take you so far before it starts to consume you.

Looking back now, I have a lot of compassion for that past version of myself.

But at the time, I couldn’t see any way out other than the two extremes—success or losing the people I loved. I didn’t believe both could coexist.

Coaching is what saved me. It’s why I care so deeply about it today.

Coaching provided the safe space I needed to soften, to explore my anger, shame, judgment, and pain.

It was the neutral mirror that showed me my world wasn’t as narrow as I thought, that there were more choices forward than I had believed.

I spent four intense years working with my coach, but the lessons I learned have lasted a lifetime. I still rely on those lessons today.

Coaching isn’t JUST about the strategies and tactics to get more clients.

It’s about uncovering what you need to let go of and who you need to become to wield those strategies effectively.

If you’re ready to explore what 1:1 coaching could do for you—whether it’s breaking free from old patterns, finding a new way to fuel your success, or simply having a safe space to grow—I’d love to connect.

Click here to book a call and let’s see how we can work together to create the life and business you truly want.

Cheers,